Ako ćeš okrenuti, desno

Ako ideš brzo, pazi da ne bi trčao jer to je za natjecanja, hitne situacije i veselost. Hodaj na brzino da svi koji te bi vidjelo znaju kako se žuriš.

Ali čudan si danas. Molim te, zatvori jezik, ostani oči ravno i relaksiraj ruke da nisu iza prse.

Znaš li zašto su Saturn, Zemlja i Jupiter važni? Saturn je strog, njega ćeš naučiti. Zemlja je doma, nego što možeš jer imaš prednost. Jupiter jer je guru, tvoje vještine zbog njega.*

Jak si. Pokazi mi tvoje strasti. Zato što hrabar moraš biti uskoro. Čekaj, nemaš ništa koji ti je veći. Razumiješ?

Onda, daj me na mirnu da me samo slušaš. Moj sasvet ti je ključ za bolji život.

Polako, polako! Nisam ja strašno!

Bježiš jer ne znaš bolje, pa to ponašanje mi ne vrijedi. Čuj me, ne dam te ništa koji nisi već pitam.

Tako je, dobar si učenik. Slušaj me -

Kad imaš volju za još stvari, više radi!

Kad poznaješ ljubav, sjećaj se nego što nisi imao prije!

Kad budeš grozno, ispričaj se!

Ako ćeš okrenuti, desno nije način gdje je tvoje srce.

Ako ćeš spavati, rano nije vrijeme gdje je tvoja žena.

Ako ćeš biti u pravi, vikni to!

The Runaway American - chapter 2

Somehow she always slipped in wet concrete, just enough that she could still walk while hardening. Her constant reach for something better had set her back, but she kept bending, her broken pieces never fitting.

Everyone though she was happy, and she was. For her, failure wasn't setback, just something else to climb up on. Each crack from every fall showed her something different even if other people saw the same patterns.

She laughed. She screamed. Everything, it seemed, set her up to stumble, maybe because the things she seemed to care about never really mattered.

"When are you going to stop acting like a child? You're too old for that shit."

"Hmmm," she'd answer, wink and, with a broad grin, start to laugh. "I'd rather be a child at heart than to forget I was a child once."

By the time their hands clasped, her mother had upgraded her to teenager status which, for a late twenty-something, kept her giggling that she could never be two or three again now that she knew she could have fun how she liked.

"I really don't get her. She behaves like she's in high school. My God, look at her, she's kissing trees because she thinks I actually got her drunk; but I never put any alcohol in her drink."

She'd heard her new friend's comment and kept on laughing, hugging tree after tree because she could.

That year, however, gave words power over her. Maybe, if she was swallowing them in too fast, that could explain why her body started weakening. When she gnashed her head on the shower knob, people started to notice the blood.

What they didn't see were the red stains on her arms from her cutting them. At the same time, they completely ignored the scars which she placed in front of them, her glaring the only signal that she meant to challenge them.

"I think she's going to kill herself, "he said. "I have to go after her."

Not too far down from them, she heard the campus officer say she was suicidal, and then she saw him and realized what had happened. With a sigh she went back to her room, this time locking it.

"Open the door, I love you."

He banged and, when he believed she had to be sleeping, told her roomates he was going to sleep on the couch.

"She's going to get up to pee after crying like that. Then I'll go in and, when she's back asleep I'm going to hold her."

So she heard him, too. To keep her secret, she walked out with her eyes locking only on the bathroom door.

It wasn't something she wanted. The thought of being put into another box scared her. In her own space which she had yet to fill, she liked that she was floating, it gave her freedom despite her failure to control her wilder impulses which had her scrambling to breathe.

"I just want to breathe, " she said, "Please, let me breathe."

Samo ona zna

Ona je sjedila na crnu klupu kroz drugu crnu klupu. Između nju i vozača je bio plastičan prozor koji joj je dala mali pogled ulica da je poznala dok nije vozač okrenuo na novom dijelu kuda nije hodala prije.

Na stropu su bile dvije zaštene kamere, ali nije ih dobro vidjela da bi mogla reći ako su jedanput krenule, bilo joj je dovoljno da su postale. Više je vidjela te šest lonca na podu komba, samo nije provjerila da su oni koji je čula kad je blizu pala nekoliko puta zbog ležeće policajce.

Maštila je kako su ozbiljni kriminalci ostali tu cijelu vožnju. Dok su njezine ruke bile uhićene sljedeči dan i zavjese zatvorene iza prozora, nikada su svoje noge osjećale lisice.

Pa nije to sve što je doživjela tu noć, u tom mjestu ispred vrata je bila ograda koju nije vidjela dok nije trenutka prije vozač upalio svijetlo. Slijepa je bila da se ona malo plašila.

Zasada, samo ona zna što je dogodilo, neće još ispričati jer nije njezina priča ništa. Istodobno je rekla da joj je Bog dva puta odgovorio, prvo o starom pitanju i drugo na sljedeći dan kad joj ga je molila pokaziti pticu. Ta priča je ona dijelila:

Isti dan dok nije imala odgovor, čula je pticu van zadržanje sobe. "Molim Bogu, pokazi mi pticu da znam ste Vas sa mnom." Uskoro je kiša pala, ipak i poslije kad je sjedila van sa ženskim policajcima, iza njih uz uličnu svjetiljku vidjela je velikog goluba dok joj nije još bilo važno.

Zato je ona tiha, veća priča je između nju i Boga. To je kako ja znam ona je nevina. Ako ti to nije dovoljno, sjedi s njom jer je Bog jedan od malih stvari koja vjeruje. Pa ne trebaš biti religioznost imati odnos s Bogom.

Jarost (dijalog)

"Slatko je što ona je napisala - jarost."

"Zašto?"

"Jer misli da bih napeljana kad ljudim."

"I nisi?"

"Ne, to ide, ali ne trebam seks kako ona misli."

"Okej."

"Kužiš? Misli da bih ta zbog nje."

"Ma da."

"Da, da! Smijem se jer ne razumije zašto sam ljutila."

"Ja ne razumijem."

"Znam. Pa vidi, ova žena nije različita sa ženama koje idu na plažu i nose čitava bikina."

"Dobro, ali koliko godina ima tvoj sin?"

"Već je on na dobini kad počne dirkanje, pa nema veze. Nije ovo ništa novo jer isti materijal možeš vidjeti na televiziju, online i van."

"Pa znam. Ti ne kužim."

"Ljutila sam jer sam napeljana zbog nje, ali ne mogu ništa to odgovoriti."

"Ne masturbiraš?"

"Da, ali nije isto. Pa je hoću ubiti."

The Runaway American - chapter 1

A party breathes across the street. The people there, they're drinking, dancing, dropping in and out. When the door opens, music bellows, and laughter catches.

She sees them from the middle of the street, but the glaring lights from their curtain-closed windows and those from the barreling car confuse her. The car, though, isn't what rocks her, rather, she's rocked onto the car from the force of something pushing into her body which staggers her, the scrape of wheels slamming and veering; but the driver doesn't stop.

There, in the middle of the street, she lies crumpled in with her hand glitching. No one inside the house can hear what's going on outside, but someone's standing on the sidewalk smiling, the gun holding warm in her happy-trigger hands.

In the dark, with her body by the tree, it's hard to make her out. So maybe the men running down the hill don't notice her or, if they do, she's since put the gun in her purse and started walking toward the party, with a smirk still sitting on her face.

The fastest of them reaches the dead woman first, quickly crouching to feel her breathing. Trembling, he moves her body toward his, cradling her body on his thighs as he turns her head toward him. Kissing the top of her head, he lightly sidles his fingers through her hair, then leans in to her lips and, with just a space of air between their lips, he starts to cry, shuffling hands off his shoulders while pressing in closer to her and squeezing her body against his, trying with kisses to wake her up.



"Look at her with her eyes closed, like Sleeping Beauty. Should I kiss her on the lips to wake her up?" he'd asked his friend just a week ago while they'd stared at her lying on the couch, her hands holding a book on her stomach.

When the Dean saw them in the English house, she'd said, "I'm really worrried about her health. Can't you see she came in here to study? I think you need to leave her alone."

"But -"

"I mean now. Look, she's opened her eyes."

So he'd waited for her behind the building she usually crossed to get to student housing. As she approached, however, he'd changed his mind again. Instead of taking her hand in his to walk her home, he'd smiled at her and stepped back from the street to follow her home; if she'd noticed him at all, she didn't acknolwedge him. A few minutes later, when she'd stopped to look behind her, he'd hid from her.

He just hadn't known how to talk to her. When she'd looked at him, he'd always felt the weight of her eyes on his; it scared him the way he'd felt about her. At the party, he'd thought, I'll ask her out for sure then.



"I love you," he whispers, "I've always loved you."

Even if she wanted to, she couldn't answer him. But he knew she loved him, he'd heard her say it while she was sleeping the other night and he'd snuck into her open room to watch her sleep; it was an easy thing to do because she'd started lately to leave the front door and her bedroom unlocked whether she was home or not.

"I love you," he'd whispered, crouched down on the floor by her closet in case she was just napping and he needed to disappear.

"I love you, too," she'd answered and, for a moment, he'd startled at her movement, her head turned toward him but her eyes still closed.

He'd left shaking and happy, bragging to his friends, "She loves me!"

And this night, when he'd finally been ready to kiss her with her eyes open, she never would be. Yet, despite the sirens and people shouting, he hears only her silence and, when he finally looks up, there's only one pair of eyes staring back at him that angers him. Not tonight, he thinks, I won't kill her tonight...

Kraljevstvo sestrih žaba

Jedno davno su živjele dvije žabe, koje su bile sestre, na jezeru prema velikoj farmi. Farmer Mihaelov ih je sinu kupio za njegov deseti rođendan, ali mali Điro je brzo dosadio s njima dok žabe nisu zaboravile da imaju susjede.

Kako sve životinje, one su doživjele sve što su mogle. Pa svaki dan su rodile, skočile, jele komarce, razgovarale i sanjale o budućnosti. Jer su bile premale, nisu zainterisirale ni lisice ni divlje svinje ni zmije, istodobno nisu se plašile ni ribe ni kornjače jer ih nije stavio farmer Mihaelov njegovoj doma.

Kad su odrasle, sijedile su na velikom kamenu da bi se gledale, ali nisu imale mašte za prince dok se nisu osjećale neudobno. Pa nisu razumjele zašto nijedna ni druga bi dobro odgovorila biološku strast da tišina je ojačala među njih dok nisu postale usamljenije.

Poslije 20 godina je umro farmer Mihaelov i uženio je mali Điro čiji mu je žena rodila kćerku koja se zovila Lana. Lana, oko šest godina, se je voljela igrati na polju blizu jezera.

U dan kad je bilo jako jače sunce, čula je Lana nešto čudno. Slušala intenzitetno i polakše šetala, videće kroz stable i oko zemlje, dok nije primijetila žabe.

Osmjehnula se, pa joj se sviđale stvari koje skačati. Skočila i smijela se, pa je bila jako glasno da se nisu sestre željele vratiti iza jezera dok nisu mislile da su same, ali nisu bile jer Lana je čekala da bi ih gledala.

Sljedeći dan ih je Lana uhvatila za tenk, koji joj je mali Điro kupio ujutro, u njezinoj sobi. Uskoro se plašila jer su žabe dugo skrivale ispod dvorca.

"Tata!"

"Što, dušo?"

"Zašto žabe skrivaju?"

"Ne znam."

"Tata!"

"Hajdemo u dućan za kućne ljubimice, čovjek Gjuro tu će znati."

Kad su stigli u dućan, morali su pričekali čovjeka Gjuro koji je objasnio susjeda kako hraniti zeca. Nakon toga su ga objasnili situaciju da je prvo želio provjeriti spolove žaba.

"Ove su ženske žabe. Trebaju muške žabe. Imam ako želite."

"Želimo!" odgovorila je Lana.

"Pa može." rekao je mali Điro.

Poslije su bile žabe jako sretne da je kraljevstvo sestrih žaba izgradilo uključiti bebe. Lana isto je bila sretna jer su žabe opet skočile. Pa je ovo kako život radi, ne uvijek znaš što trebaš bez sreće, pa su žabe imale Lanu na vrijeme kad su očekivale nešto važno dok nisu već poznale što su tražile da budu cjelovite.

The Runaway American - Interstice 1: A crack

A crack doesn't just begin
from where it starts
     not quite invisible,
just unnoticed
so that it grows some time
      along with death,

A crack that widens so far
its only aim is space
     assuming it exists,
whatever else
isn't dead yet just waits
     to know or not,

A crack that forgets itself
swallowing around
     floating things,
an intangible
subsistence mistaken for
    some substance;

So a crack doesn't just die
but drowns through
     as everything closes,
everyone else
locked in the dimness:
     this blackening.

The Runaway American - prologue

For her, the world has always been dark and light. She has seen worse and better, been lighter or heavier, fallen and risen, never whole and not yet completely broken.

Happy, yes, and emotional she's felt; but never equally with anyone or anything. Always between two places, unable to fit into any crack, she has lived a strange life. Smart and stupid, maybe, but she's made no regrets. Accidents, too, don't exist for her, only time and place.

She knows more and less depending on where she sits. Dismisses people quickly, just as easily stops to listen. Social and remote, she has constantly balanced two sides on the same flip.

Of course she believes in God, but acts on human impulse. Some days she feels more removed than in, and in those spaces she can feel Him. She knows Him, hates Him and opens herself to Him, but lately she's between heaven and hell, unsure of Him, herself and the world around her.

Is she chaotic? Hard to say, but an even paradox, yes, which just means harder to predict and yet everything about her is predictable. As usual, she reflects refractions.

She's a wild girl, this one, always watching for mistakes, like an animal crouched waiting. Only she's looking for something that fits her, closes her in and lets her breathe. It's the same for her as walking through hitting snow, beautiful at first, but so fast and full it starts to shroud.

At the same time, everyone sees her reflection, but everything about her keeps them distant. Her own rules, then, aim her route which goes in spirals, often with seeming, aimless purposes.

She has cried, too, and almost cried, sometimes won't try to cry. If she slips she springs sideways, a patchwork stitch of experiences, people, beautiful strings holding some things, nails wedging in others. Her world exists alongside the world she lives in.

Everything, thus, can feel away from her, making her a kind of puppet master. Lately she's been getting what she wants, but she's still sinking.

If, then, a choice exists which she must decide on, she worries that answering it stands to swing the weights of judgment. This could be Purgatory, she thinks, if she isn't already dead - and, if she is a ghost, is a wrong choice the only right outcome?

Priča o Danu

"Bog, debela."

"Ti si Dane?"

"Da, da. Zahvalim te za broj telefona. Imam policiju ovdje -."

"Dobro, dobro, okej."

Nije bio on sretan kad je nestala cura, ali je trebala izbaciti stari broj telefona da on joj ne može opet telefonirati. Problem je bio prijateljica koja on je dala njezin novi broj. Ljutila se Ana s Lucijom, pa nisu sada prijateljice.

"Materinski pičku!" psovao joj je Dane.

Ignorirala ga je. Nervozna se Ana osjećala dok nije stojila ispred stanice autobusa, zapravo je hodala kroz ulicu i dalje gdje je bilo više ljudi. On ju nije slijedio.

"Kad te vidim ubit ću te" prijetio ju je.

Ona mu nije reagirala, samo je vidjela naprijed. Poslije kad je bila kod kuće plakala.

"Tata? Reci mi molitvu."

"Pa zašto?"

"Nema veze. Volim te...i mamu."

Molila se Bogu da je skriva. Još malo, molim Vas, plašim se ga.

Svaki dan bilo joj je hladno, kao i uvijek za šest tjedna je pritisnula jaknu blizu njezinog srca. Fwump fwump su se prsti svirali glazbu na dugmu džepa, u to vrijeme bilo je ona i tijelo individualne stvari, pa su se malo po malo vratili zajedno da je jedan dan Ana otišla kuće i sve primijetila - sunce, vjetar, miris, pozijciju ruke itd.

Dane je bio njezin bivše koji ona je poznala u velikom tulumu. Bio je šarmer da su joj se njegove riječi sviđale. Lijep pogled je pokazao njezine oči - zgodan i visok. Nakon toga, svaki spol ju je prezentirao nužno, stvarno, pa normalno.

Puno je želio komentirati na njezin osmjeh, kako mu je bio lijep izgledao. Samo ako nije ona osmjehnula, pitao joj je zašto, pritisnuo je njezine uste gore, poljubio ju je s pritiskom, pa je sve probao manipulirati njezine lice da ju je pustio kad se ljutila, nije samo jedanput, ali za nju je bila njegova akcija doista na četvrtom putu.

Poslije toga Dane ju je telefonirao non-stop od jutra do večeri. Došao ju je u njezinu kuću čekati da je promjenila adresu, pa je trebala novi posao kad ju je čekao tu. Slijedio ju je na GPSu mobitela da je promjenila model. Kad je opet promjenila broj otišla iz grada, ali strah joj se nije otišao puno vremena.

Danas se prvi put vratila Ana u kuću roditelja, pa nija bila dobra ideja. Tu je bio Dane, u novom autu, kroz ulicu s nožem. Na ovaj dan kad se osjećala sto posto, nije preživjela, pa nije njezina noćna mora nikada nestala, samo je skrivala kao je ona prije probala.

Na svijetu, čudovišta kao Dane postoju. Pazi njih! Pa ne možeš riješiti što je pokvareno.